The Special Days of April

Most of you are aware that we have a non-verbal autistic grandson and that I am a military brat (the child of a career military service member).  On those two points of information alone, you could guess that April is an important month for me.

 April is the month for Autism Awareness and the Military Child.  The specific days for those causes are April 2^nd and April 15^th.

 Did you also know I have Scottish roots?  April 6^th is National Tartan Day. 

I have a brother.  April 10^th is National Siblings Day
I have a husband.  April 20^th is Husband Appreciation Day.  Who knew?
Earth Day is in April.  This year, Easter is in April.

 I never really looked at a different month.  Perhaps there are many cause days in other months, too.  For me, April seems to have most of the ones I am particularly attached to.

 If you’re interested to see some of the crazy commemorative days in April (like National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day) check out this link.  You’d be surprised at some of the things people celebrate.

 It looks like this calendar missed a very important cause in their extensive list.

·         April has been designated Child Abuse Prevention Month in the United States since 1983.

 Also, to clarify what RAINN DAY is, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  RAINN stands for The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

 As you can see, there are many fun commemorative days in April.  There are also some that should be taken very seriously and talked about more often.  That is why they have a month to highlight these topics.  Families who live with the issues that some of these days represent, might need some help.  You don’t know if you don’t ask. Reach out to them.

 If you know of some other important causes, recognized in the month of April, that did not make the linked calendar, please comment here so they are seen and acknowledged.  Thanks.

Emotional Rollercoasters

I know several people who seem to be up and down, emotionally, throughout the course of a single day – and in any given week, they run the full gamut of emotions and are just all over the board.  It seems that these folks are responding to every situation in their lives.  The way they feel is based on what is happening to them at any given moment.  They may be elated at having received their tax refund.  They go out shopping and come home to find the dog chewed their favorite pair of shoes to shreds and now their day is ruined.  Maybe, if they are lucky, something will happen to them that will make them happy again, so they can end the day on a good note.  These people are allowing their lives to be dictated by external factors, constantly riding the hills and valleys that life throws at them.

So, how does one learn to have an even keel, to take life’s ups and downs in stride and keep going?  It is my opinion that the key to not riding an emotional rollercoaster is to find your joy within yourself. 

In my book, The Decision to CHANGE, there is one chapter titled “Eternity”, which tells how I came to have a personal relationship with God.  Ok, don’t click the close button here.  I know not all my readers believe in that relationship.  I’m just saying that for ME, (and I know it’s not about ME) it is my relationship with God that brings joy and peace to my life. For others, you may find your joy and peace in other ways (meditation, running, walking on the beach, etc.). 

Does anyone remember the movie City Slickers?  Remember the old cowboy telling Billy Crystal to find the “one thing” that made him happy?  My one thing and your one thing don’t have to be the same thing.  However, I agree with the cowboy.  Everyone should find the one thing that gives them the confidence to like who they are and brings joy and peace to their life.  Find your joy within yourself and let your joy fill your life so the adventures of the day won’t send you on that emotional rollercoaster.

Have a wonderful weekend! 

*Pam Horton is a Stress Management Coach, helping women #StressLess and #ChooseJoy.

Check Your Face

I’m sure you have heard the terms “non-verbal communication” and “poker-face.” 

 Let me just confess, right now, I could never play poker.  When a thought runs through my head, my mouth may know better than to speak it, but my face just says it all!

 That may be one reason I work well with special education students. They love loud facial expressions.  It’s usually something they can relate to.  Except “the look.”  Many children in special education programs don’t understand that look you give from across the room that means, “you better stop that behavior right now.”  You know the one.  It’s the look your parents gave you.  The one you give your children.  “The look.”

 I recall working in a regular education kindergarten classroom and I gave a child that look.  Every mother possesses it and sometimes it just comes out. Right?  Well, that child’s eyes got wide and they immediately quit misbehaving.  It was awesome.  I went home that night and announced to my husband, “I still got it!”

 Just this week I had a coworker thank me for encouraging her during a crisis moment.  I was surprised, because I wasn’t quite sure what she was referring to.  She elaborated, “That look you gave me when…., it just encouraged me and helped me to be calm.”  I was very pleased that I had been an encouragement to her.  Honestly, I don’t recall giving her any kind of a look.

 Isn’t it amazing that our faces can cause changes in others, whether that is behavior or emotion, strength or courage. 

 There is a negative side to that though.  Our faces can also relate disgust, disappointment, skepticism, and anger.  Here’s where it can get tricky.  Often those thoughts run through our heads, but we know better than to voice the thought because we don’t want to say harmful words to another person.  Yet, our faces betray us.

 In that critical moment when my face was an encouragement to that co-worker… how might the situation changed if she had perceived a negative look on my face?  The day might have ended very differently. 

 A simple eye-roll can ruin another person’s day, when a smile could help them power through and make it a great day.

I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “Be aware of your words, they can be harmful or encouraging.”  The same goes for your face.  Don’t forget to check your face.

The strong willed child

During a conversation my friend commented, “But I know you.  You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.”  I had to chuckle, because I thought I had left that behavior behind me many years ago.

My husband then chimed in, “We know where our boys get it from.”  To which I promptly deflected the blame onto my mother.  My friend asked how that worked.  I explained that my mother had given me the “mother’s curse” by saying, “I hope you have kids just like you!”  (Thanks, MOM.)

 I’m not speaking from statistics today, but from personal experience.  Raising a strong-willed child is NOT easy.  In fact, it can be down-right frustrating!  The strong-willed child is, “gonna do what they’re gonna do.”  Sometimes that will be the exact opposite of what you have suggested, just because you suggested it.  The strong-willed child typically must learn things the hard way, because they already know (or THINK they know) what is best for them.  They will do things how they think is best, even if their parents know that is not what’s best for them.

 A few more examples of a strong-willed child are:

·         They must know why

·         The could be on a debate team

·         They like to be in charge

·         They tend to be impatient

 I would suggest that sometimes the only thing we can do is gently guide our strong-willed child and make suggestions while making sure they survive into adulthood.

 In defense of the strong-willed child, I think most times we turn out okay.  If we survive our many mistakes and the school of hard knocks, we grow up to be stronger for having “done it on our own.”  Yes, we had help. Yes, we heard what our parents were saying. Yes, we probably had that “AHA” moment when we realized our parents were right and things would have been much easier if we had listened to wise counsel.  I must say though, I would not change a thing.  I am the person I am because of the things I’ve experienced, and I like who I am, so it’s all good.

 As to the opening conversation… It could be that having a strong will is just part of who I am and can be seen by others, even if it has been tamed.

Make eye contact

A few days ago, I saw a couple of young girls get off the school bus, which was met by their father.  As girls tend to do, they both started talking to their dad as soon as their feet hit the pavement.  The dad never took his eyes off his phone (or perhaps slightly).  He simply put his hand on the girl’s heads to gently guide them in the direction he wanted to go, while still looking at his phone.  I did not see him speak a word or make eye contact with his daughters as they strolled off down the sidewalk.

 Yesterday, I witnessed two parents in the waiting room of a dentist’s office.  Both had their phones out.  Their child came out, after getting his teeth cleaned.  The mom looked up and said a few words.  The dad gave the boy a brief hug. As the youngster tried to talk to his parents, they both went back to their phones.  He defaulted to bouncing a superball around the office.

 I recently saw a video about the power of attention.  If I could remember where I saw it, I’d share it here, but… yeah.

I do recall the content, though.  The presenter was talking about people constantly looking at their cell phones.

 What are you telling the person with you about how important they are when you are constantly looking at your phone?

Do you think they feel important?  Would you feel important if you were sitting with someone whose face was constantly on their phone?  I would guess not.

 How about if someone has their phone in their pocket, but pulls it out every time it makes a noise?  How important would you feel then?

 If the phone was on a table, not being looked at, not making noise, but available to check at a moment’s notice?  That’s better, but the message is still, “If I need to look at my phone, I will.”

 Let’s change our frame of reference to a child.  How do you think a child feels when they can see that your phone takes priority over them?  Talk about taking a hit to the ol’ self-esteem!

 Children are important, they are the future leaders of the free world.  Children deserve our full attention, especially when they want to talk to you.  There will be plenty of years (the teen years) that they won’t want to talk to you.  Take advantage of the opportunities while you can.  Put your phone away and make eye contact with your child.

Patience Is A Virtue

I have jokingly said “Patience is a virtue… that I don’t possess.”  HAHA

 What is a virtue anyway?   Dictionary.com says…  “–noun 1. moral excellence; goodness. 2. conformity of one's life and conduct to moral and ethical principles; uprightness. 3. a good or admirable quality.”

 Let’s go with #3.  So, patience is a good or admirable quality.  Okay, I can agree with that, but it sure can be an extremely difficult quality to have. 

 How about the definition of patience?  Dictionary.com says… “–noun 1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. 2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”

 Wow! “Wait” is not part of the definition of patience. 

To me being patient has always meant waiting for something (good or bad but waiting nonetheless).

 Hm, well I don’t know about you, but I just learned something new!  Patience isn’t waiting.  It’s how we handle the waiting. Interesting.

 You must admit, though, that the words “wait” and “patience” often go together.  There are a number of ways to react to having to wait.  We can

·         roll our eyes and sigh loudly

·         stand, or sit, with arms crossed, toe tapping and scowling

·         try to stare a hole through the person we think should be more quick

·         plan ahead to wait by bringing a book or iPad to occupy our time

·         turn up the car radio and sing out loud

·         smile graciously and chill out

Which behavior best describes you as you wait?

 It seems “Patience Is A Virtue” loosely translated means: Not getting bent out of shape when things don’t go your way is a good quality.  Simple, right?  Maybe simply but not always easy. 

 Remember to take a moment to notice how you are reacting to any given situation and adjust as needed. #ChooseJoy  #StressLess

When the numbers don’t add up

This coming weekend, we were to have a free informational symposium for military families. It was to be our 5^th one.  Unfortunately, this event had to be canceled. The registration was so low that it wasn’t feasible to pay the staff to set up and tear down or expect those who were participating to be thrilled at the low numbers and pleased that they had given up their Saturday morning.

This is not unusual in the military community where, “Everything is fine” is the standard reply.  Where, I can do this by myself, I don’t need to seek assistance, is a prevalent mindset, not just among service members but in their spouses and children as well.  When did asking for help become a weakness?

As one veteran told me, “Extremely useful resources continue to be underutilized. It’s disappointing that the veteran community lacks the willingness to take advantage of these services being offered to them for free. It's not like the need isn't there.”

It’s not only the military community that shies away from free help.  

Consider these groups who also silently struggle:

·         Victims of abuse 

·         People with well-hidden addictions

·         Those who have thoughts of suicide

·         High authority figures

*Note: I often say that you can’t “lump” a group of people together. Please realize I am not saying that all people in the above-mentioned groups refuse to ask for help.  Of course, there are many who seek help, but there are too many who should and don’t.

Why do people avoid asking for help?  It could be…

·         they don’t think they need help

·         shame

·         embarrassment

·         lack of trust

·         hopelessness

·         they see asking for help as a sign of weakness

Do you realize how much strength it takes to conquer your feelings of doubt and reach out to ask someone for help with something?  It takes courage to admit you need help.  Courage is a strength.

If you need assistance, please have courage, be strong, reach out and talk to someone.  Let them know you could use some help.  Ask for help.

If you think someone may need assistance, ask them.  One of the most important questions you can ask someone you think may be struggling is, “Are you okay?”    They may say they are fine.  OR…It might just be the right question at the right time.  The mask they wear may start to tear and they may decide to share with you.  Listen to them.  They will thank you for it later.