When the numbers don’t add up

This coming weekend, we were to have a free informational symposium for military families. It was to be our 5^th one.  Unfortunately, this event had to be canceled. The registration was so low that it wasn’t feasible to pay the staff to set up and tear down or expect those who were participating to be thrilled at the low numbers and pleased that they had given up their Saturday morning.

This is not unusual in the military community where, “Everything is fine” is the standard reply.  Where, I can do this by myself, I don’t need to seek assistance, is a prevalent mindset, not just among service members but in their spouses and children as well.  When did asking for help become a weakness?

As one veteran told me, “Extremely useful resources continue to be underutilized. It’s disappointing that the veteran community lacks the willingness to take advantage of these services being offered to them for free. It's not like the need isn't there.”

It’s not only the military community that shies away from free help.  

Consider these groups who also silently struggle:

·         Victims of abuse 

·         People with well-hidden addictions

·         Those who have thoughts of suicide

·         High authority figures

*Note: I often say that you can’t “lump” a group of people together. Please realize I am not saying that all people in the above-mentioned groups refuse to ask for help.  Of course, there are many who seek help, but there are too many who should and don’t.

Why do people avoid asking for help?  It could be…

·         they don’t think they need help

·         shame

·         embarrassment

·         lack of trust

·         hopelessness

·         they see asking for help as a sign of weakness

Do you realize how much strength it takes to conquer your feelings of doubt and reach out to ask someone for help with something?  It takes courage to admit you need help.  Courage is a strength.

If you need assistance, please have courage, be strong, reach out and talk to someone.  Let them know you could use some help.  Ask for help.

If you think someone may need assistance, ask them.  One of the most important questions you can ask someone you think may be struggling is, “Are you okay?”    They may say they are fine.  OR…It might just be the right question at the right time.  The mask they wear may start to tear and they may decide to share with you.  Listen to them.  They will thank you for it later.

The words that scare us most

Like many of you, our family has had its share of devasting moments.

 A few years ago, our sweet grandson was not responding to his name.  At eighteen months he wasn’t talking.  His older sister was quite the chatterbox by that time.  I know, I know, you shouldn’t compare one to another.  Each child is different.

 His parents brushed it off as “being a boy.”  His other grandparents claimed it was because he was spoiled.  My parents thought he was deaf.  I knew better.  Our grandson was most assuredly not hearing impaired.  When his favorite Disney movie was put on the TV, he would come running, from anywhere in the house as soon as the introductory music began.  His hearing was fine.

 At 22 months of age, a doctor’s appointment and a referral to a neurologist confirmed my suspicions.  “Your child has autism.”  What I wasn’t prepared for were his next comments, “He is in the severe category.  He will be non-verbal.  You should start researching adult placement for him.”

 Our son was in shock, our daughter-in-law cried, and I went in to research mode.  Having worked with autistic teenagers and gone through some training to serve them best, I believed all was not lost.

 The family had a few weeks of grief over the loss of the childhood they had envisioned for their son.  Then, being the one to always encourage others to move positively forward, I presented the simple facts.  “This is what is it.  The real question is, ‘Now what?’”  How do we move forward with this information?  How can we help our grandson be the best person he can be?

 At the age of five, Connor started mimicking people.  Not voluntarily, but if you told him to say something, he would give it his best effort.  That was when I knew, without a doubt, that the boy is very capable.  He learns differently than other children, and it is our job to help him get what he knows inside him, to be communicated to others.

 I would love to tell you he has, at the age of nine, become a chatterbox.  He hasn’t.  The road is long and the progress slow.  However, we have never given up hope that our grandson will be able to communicate with others and live a wholly satisfying life.  He may not be able to live on his own.  He will most likely live with his sister. He may end up in a group home, but he will not be institutionalized as the doctor initially suggested.

 No matter what your scary word is: Autism, Cancer, Incurable, Terminal.  We must never give up hope.

 The things I often tell others are…

Be aware

Be informed

Find your new normal

Trust that God knows what He’s doing

#ChooseJoy

If you'd like to know more about ways to choose joy, 

contact me at Pam@NewDirectionLC.com

Be like a tree

Once a month, we travel up to Virginia to visit our boys and their families. One trip, I was looking out the window at the trees.  The more I looked at them, the more I truly saw them.  Did you know all kinds of trees co-exist together?!  

Okay, I am not a botany expert, so I can’t go into the proper name of each tree.  For my purpose we’ll go with evergreen, leaf tree, and ivy.   Here’s a little of what I observed…

Evergreens and leaf trees, of various types, grew right next to each other, and I mean RIGHT next to each other.  Sometimes they were so close the trunks would be touching and the branches would be intertwined.  I saw many trees, just intermingling with each other.  I did see one particularly pushy leaf tree.  It had pushed itself right up the middle of an evergreen tree.  But the evergreen didn’t seem to mind, it continued on its growth path with the pushy leaf tree sticking out like a sore thumb.  Then there was this one evergreen that was nearly gone because an ivy had so boldly overtaken it, but I still could see one branch of the evergreen peeking out, standing strong letting the world know it may be almost completely overwhelmed by the ivy, but it was still in there, alive and well.

As I observed the trees, I got thinking about how easy it was for the trees to co-exist.  I didn’t see one dead tree; no tree had choked another one out.   Then I wondered why people can’t be like the trees.  Okay, yes, the obvious answer is that trees don’t talk or think.  Can’t you see the similarities, though?  

I know, trees and humans are not the same.  Humans have a brain.  Perhaps it’s time we use it.  We can learn to accept each other’s differences and live to together in harmony.  I love this song by Mandisa!

Today, be like a tree.  #StandUnited  #ChooseJoy

A Child’s Tomorrow

A friend’s recent Facebook status quote by her young son, “I was a good boy tomorrow”  just cracked me up.  It also reminded me of a “tomorrow” story involving my own son.

Let me set the scenario – it is Christmas Eve.  My son & I are staying the night with my parents, so as to celebrate Christmas morning there.  Of course, Christmas is an exciting time for a three year old, so I had to do the typical parent line.  “Santa won’t come if you are awake.  You need to go to bed so Santa will come and leave your presents.  Christmas is Tomorrow.”  Like the obedient little boy he was (note I said WAS – grin), he trotted off to bed, because he wanted those Christmas presents to be delivered.

Christmas morning my son slept in.  When he finally woke up he went down to the kitchen to have breakfast like any other day.  My father asked him if he wanted to go into the living room. So, they meandered that way.  I have a picture of the two of them talking in the doorway with the filled stockings hanging on the wall, just out of sight of my son.  The conversation went like this, My dad: “Don’t you want to see your presents?  It’s Christmas morning.  My son; “No it isn’t, Christmas is tomorrow.”  Chuckle.  We finally convinced my son it was Christmas, and then the expected chaos began.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow can be a tough concept for a young child to grasp.  Let’s face it, yesterday, today, and tomorrow can sometimes be a tough concept for adults to grasp.   We get bogged down by too many things on our to do list, so that the things that didn’t get done become things that needed to be done yesterday, so we are still working on them today, and we doubt we’ll ever get to the things we are supposed to do tomorrow. 

Then we have emotional things from yesterday that are bothering today and if we don’t deal with them, or let them go, they continue to bother us and we start dreading tomorrow. 

We need to learn to take each day as it comes and accept that we may not get everything done each day.  Prioritize the importance of things and do the big things first, then the little things that don’t get done, don’t get done. Start over with the new day.  Emotions need to be dealt with in that day, it is not healthy to drag them out.  The more you drag them out, the more they could drag you under.  What is that saying?

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present."

Hitting the mailbox

The other day I was driving to go play pickleball.  At the red light, in front of me was a car with a fairly young man (maybe 20-ish), who had his cell phone mounted on his dashboard.  His windows were not tinted, so I could see clearly into his vehicle.  There was a lot of motion on the phone, as if he was watching a movie, video, or on a video chat.  He was not watching the light, so was a bit delayed when the light turned green.

As I followed him for a few miles, I had a distinct feeling I was going to have to stop quick because he hit a mailbox!  Twice he swerved so far to the right that he almost took out a mailbox.  He seemed unconcerned as he continued to look at his phone more than the road.  Eventually, he turned into a neighborhood, and I thanked God he was going to make it to his destination in one piece, without involving me in an accident.

At the next light, in front of me was a car with a fairly young woman (maybe 20-ish), with her eyes downcast.  She too was delayed in going when the light changed green.  I could see her eyes in her review and side mirrors.  As she drove, looking down most of the time, she swerved from the right side to the left/middle of the road.  I was paying very close attention for fear she would create an accident in front of me.  I turned at the next light and drove on to pickleball.  I hope the young lady made it to her destination safely.

I don’t understand how people can not be watching the road while they are driving!  Not only is it unsafe for the driver, but also for other vehicles on the road.  I would have hated to see the woman cross the middle lane and hit an oncoming car, or the man hit a mailbox and spinout or flip. 

According to a AAA poll, 94 percent of teen drivers acknowledge the dangers of texting and driving, but that 35% admitted to doing it anyway.  Adults know too.  SO basically, people know having their eyes off the road is dangerous, but don’t think anything will happen to them.   

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report 9 people a day are killed in distracted driving accidents. That doesn’t seem like a lot, until you know someone (a classmate of one of our sons) who is part of that statistic, or even worse, become a statistic yourself. 

If you, or people you know, are driving with their eyes on something other than the road, PLEASE stop.  It is SO dangerous!!

Perhaps seeing some videos of terrible crashes will drive it home?  https://www.teensafe.com/blog/top-10-horrific-videos-of-teens-texting-and-driving/

Or maybe taking a pledge?  https://www.dmv.org/distracted-driving-pledge.php#take-pledge

Whatever it is that people need to convince themselves of the dangers of distracted driving… let’s put an end to the madness of hitting the mailbox.

New Year? No Worries!

I hear so many people talk about being “worried” these days.  I could put all sorts of witty quotes about worry here, but you’ll have to go to the Facebook or Pinterest pages for those.  Simply put and all quotes aside, worry doesn’t help. 

Who or what have you ever helped by worrying about it?  You help by taking action.  Worry is not action, it is mental/emotional stress.  Worry doesn’t help the other person.  In fact, it may cause them extra stress knowing you are worried about them. 

 A brief story here… when our son was deployed, we received a call from him telling us very little of what was going on and concluding with, “It isn’t good.”  What is a parent supposed to do with THAT?

This is the exact point I was able to stop worrying about things.  How did I do that? 

 I came to the following understandings:

·         I had absolutely no control over what was happening, or the outcome

·         I couldn’t take action to assist

·         If I worried about it, I would make myself crazy

·         God knows what He’s doing

That was really the key for me.  Having faith to believe that even though I had no clue what was going on, God did, and he also knew the outcome, and no matter what that outcome would be, it would be for His good.

 A few months later, we learned that he had been “missing, presumed dead” for a few hours that day. I was relieved to hear that information after the fact.  Even if I had known, I would have to cling to the above bullet points.  There is literally nothing that can be done, but to wait for more information, pray, and trust God.

 It’s a hard lesson to learn, but once you decide that you can trust God with whatever is happening, the worry disappears.  It happened for me.  It can happen for you.  Let’s talk.

Encouraging others to move positively forward.

#StressManagementwithBiblicalPrincipals

Staying humble in the limelight

While watching some of the college football bowl games last weekend, with Jim, I noticed two very distinct reactions to success. 

·         Excited jump, chest bump, pointing to the sky while looking up

·         Showboating, posing for the camera, lifting the shirt showing off muscles

 Given the choice of the two behaviors, I would prefer to see the more mellow one.  It implies that athlete understands that, at least in football, the success is a team effort.  They are not a one-man-show. They didn’t make the touchdown by themselves.  They were the one who carried the ball across the line, but someone threw it and many others made blocks so that one player could make the touchdown.

 The player who acts as if he’s “all that” doesn’t impress me.  The announcers are usually talking about the great stats the person has and how well they should do in the future, but their cocky behavior reminds me of so many other great athletes who didn’t handle the fame well and fell from their lofty tower in disgrace.

 Now, I must preface this blog with, “I don’t know these athletes personally.”  The showboating show-off might be a really nice guy who treats others with respect and the more humble appearing guy may be the biggest jerk on the planet, but I doubt it.

 It must be a tough line to walk between humility and greatness.  Even in everyday life, I am more drawn to those who are not standing out in the crowd.  Take a look around you.  You will see those who act like they are

·         a part of the human race and seek to be kind

·         the greatest, but they aren’t

·         the greatest and they know it

·         very talented, yet humble about it

 How someone behaves says a lot about who they are, unless they have two different personas (public and private).  Which behavior are you drawn to, and why?  Which behavior do you exhibit?

 The reality is, we are all human.  Some of us better at certain things, some of us better at other things.  Still just people trying to get along in the world.  There’s no need for showboating and telling people how great you are.  If you are truly great, we will know without you telling us.  In fact, it’s better to have someone (other than yourself) tell us.  No one likes to hear someone toot their own horn.  Just my opinion.