What defines you?

 We recently visited my car. 

 Ok, we were seeing our kids and grandkids, but our older son has my old car and, well, I miss it (and it’s a funny statement).

 The reality is, I did love that car, but my family comes before everything else.  I had owned my car for 16 years, but when our son’s vehicle was totaled in an accident, they needed a vehicle and I gave mine up and got a new one.

 When I changed cars people I didn’t even know commented on it.  Two bank tellers, a pharmacist and a police officer all asked me if I had gotten a new car.  Isn’t that funny?  I suppose I should be honored that they recognized me without my yellow car.  The new one is blue, but… that doesn’t change who I am.  I am not my car.  My car does not determine who I am.

 So many people get wrapped up in what they think defines them, in how people identify them.  For instance, some people identify themselves by their:

·         Job

·         Clothes

·         Coffee

·         Spouse

·         School

·         Vehicle

·         House

·         Sports

·         Political affiliation

·         And more

 I have a news flash for you… you are not what you (fill in the blank). 

What you own, what you do, how well you do it, who you know… these are all things outside of yourself.  They are not you.  You are a person who has or enjoys these things, but who you are is not determined by things.

 Who you are is determined by your beliefs, thoughts, and actions… by your morals and values.  These are the things that define you.

 You can have the most awesome car, so cool that everyone recognizes it and knows it is you when you drive by, but if you are a foul-mouthed bully people will identify you as such.  They might say, “There goes that jerk in the yellow car.”  But they are identifying you as a jerk first.

 You could drive the oldest piece of junk in town but be a kind person who assists others whenever they ask.  People will probably say, “There goes so&so” when you drive by, with no mention of the vehicle you drive.

 There is a difference.

 For me, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, a child of God, and I will stand on that Rock all day long.

 What defines you?

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach.

Facebook Fakers

 You know the ones.  They are the people who have a “perfect” life.  They always look meticulous. Their kids are athletic, brilliant models.  The house is decorated for even the most obscure holiday. Their marriage is great, their job is great, and they are philanthropists.   NOT.

 I happen to know a few people who are lying through their lens, and their posts.  Their lives are not even close to what they post on their social media sights.

 I saw a commercial recently that even shows people staging their photos.  Seriously?  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EFHbruKEmw

 Studies have found over one-fifth of young adults (aged 18 to 24) admit that their online profile bears little resemblance to their real lives.  Let’s be honest, plenty of older adults are Facebook fakers, too.

 Why do people feel the need to be perfect on social media sites?  Are we afraid people won’t like the real us?  In our desire to “conform” to what society tries to tell us we should be, have we lost our sense of self.  Can we not find the humor in our lives and post honest information?

 Of course, you have the other direction, too.  People who exaggerate their troubles, or maybe even make them up.  Some just for sympathy, others to stir the pot, and still others who are trying to hack your info.

 I saw this article about the 7 biggest scams of 2018… https://securityintelligence.com/what-are-the-seven-biggest-social-media-scams-of-2018/

 Here are a few tips for Facebook/social media use…

1.      Just because it’s on social media doesn’t mean it’s true.

2.      Do your research before sharing someone else’s post, make sure it’s accurate.

3.      Be yourself.  Don’t share every gory detail of your life, and don’t’ over-exaggerate, find a middle ground you can be comfortable with.

4.      Avoid conflict and chaos, if you feel the need to call someone out, do it privately.

5.      Walk away from the computer and interact with people face to face, they get to know the real you and you get to know the real them.

 Facebook is a wonderful tool, when it is used properly.

Teamwork can be tough

Isn’t it funny how just observing your surroundings can bring a life lesson to mind?

I was at a park where I noticed a red convertible car balanced on a giant spring, a playground toy.  In the car were two little girls, I’d say 4ish.  One was rocking back and forth and the other was rocking forth and back.  Basically they were rocking in opposite directions and rocking themselves into a sweat, but the car had very little movement going on.  Every once in a while they would accidentally end up rocking together and the car would rock with them – YEA!  Then they would get off sync again and be back to going nowhere.  Eventually, one of the girls stopped rocking and let the other one do all the work.  The car moved, but the one doing all the work got tired quickly and it wasn’t long before both girls exited the car for the swings (an individually controlled toy).  The entire interaction took about 5 minutes.  Note here that not once did I see them speak to each other.  A classic case of actions speak louder than words?

It crossed my mind that the struggle these girls were going through was much like teamwork, or lack thereof, in a real life situation.  I told my friend, “I just saw my next blog,” and she chuckled.

Isn’t it a life like situation? 

How many times have you tried to accomplish something only to have someone else trying to accomplish the same task but in the totally opposite way you are working on it, consequently, nothing gets done?

How about trying to help someone, getting nowhere, and giving up to let them struggle on their own?

We even see giving up when the work gets too hard or quitting when you realize you’re the only one doing any work.  Hmm, yes this little scene can definitely be transferred to a real life scenario.

I’m sure you noticed that I mentioned I never saw the girls talk with each other.  They may have been total strangers, but I doubt it.  I imagine they were at least friends, if not sisters.  Either way, I think maybe a little communication would have greatly helped.  Don’t you?  

Maybe, “Hey! You’re not rocking right.”  Or “Let’s both rock the same way.”  One could have said, “If you don’t help me, I’m getting off”  or  “Quit trying to do it all yourself.”  There are many things that could have been said. Although, they may have been observing the Golden Rule, If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

To make a long story short - My point is, if you’re working with another person – cooperation and communication are essential to make the effort a success.

Falling Stars

I was driving home from working Early Voting the other night when my passenger and I simultaneously said, “Did you see that?  I think it was a falling star!”   Then we laughed.

Turns out it was the first time either one of us had ever seen one.  When I told some co-workers about it the next day, all four of them thought nothing of it.  They had all seen one before. Interesting.  Have you seen one?  It only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was so cool.

However, a little further research on the subject proves, there is no such thing as a falling star.  Way to crush my imagination, NASA. Sigh. 

That’s okay, I’m going to hold on to the fact that I witnessed something beautiful that I have never seen before.  I know the reality (it was space dust) but I will remember the wow factor.

How often do we have an idea that something is what it is not?  Probably enough to experience disappointment.  However, if we are grounded in reality we can still embrace the wonder of the idea. If that remembrance brings us joy, all the better.

While thinking about this blog, I recalled the song, “Catch a falling star.”  One of the lines says, “For when your troubles start multiplyin', and they just might It's easy to forget them without tryin' With just a pocketful of starlight”  SO, go ahead.  Hold on to your imagination and keep that starlight for when you are feeling down.

Short and sweet this week. I’m off to work the polls.  Perhaps my passenger and I will get another glimpse of star dust tonight.  You never know.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Awaiting the Unknown

I write to encourage others to move positively forward.  When I face my own challenges, I feel compelled to walk my talk.

 We have a health situation with a family member and indications have been that it may not be an easy go from here on out.  BUT, we don’t know, yet, what they are facing.  Testing continues, and the final diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis will be revealed at the end of this month.  It has been a loooong couple of months dealing with the unknown.

 You’ve heard the phrase, “facing the unknown.”  I’m not sure that’s the best way to say it.  How can you “face” an unknown.  I think the real difficulty comes in waiting for the unknown to be known.  Once it is known, you can face it.  You say, “This is what it is.” And ask, “How do we move forward now?”  The unknown becomes tangible and you can form a plan to deal with the situation (pleasant or unpleasant).

 I do believe many people struggle in the period of the unknown.  How do you keep yourself, or your loved one, afloat in the crashing waves of the unknown?

 Don’t worry.  It’s hard, I know, but you can’t spend time worrying about the what-ifs of a situation.  You will make yourself crazy.  We are dealing with three possible scenarios.  If we start worrying about them, who are we helping?  No one.  We could be worrying over absolutely nothing.  What if everything is easily treated and no big deal?  Then we’ve stressed out ourselves and everyone around us for nothing.  Not fun.  I, jokingly say… “Wait until you know what to worry about before you start worrying.”  Seriously though, worrying is worthless.  It doesn’t help, and it can even be a bother to those around you.

 You can calmly plan.  Personally, I brace myself to expect the worst news.  That way, if the worst happens, I’m ready to hear that information.  If the worst doesn’t happen, I’m very relieved. 

 Even on your worst days

·         Discover beauty around you

·         Find something to laugh about

·         Thank God for your blessings

·         Pray, without ceasing

 *Pam Horton is a certified stress management coach in the Raleigh area.

Hard to get up in the dark

Have you noticed it’s dark when you get up these days?  I typically get up at 6AM. It’s dark now.

During the summer it was easy.  The bright sun shining through the curtains seemed to say, “Good Morning, Pam! It’s a wonderful new day!  Let’s get this party started!”

Last week, as I rolled over and later woke up at 7, I realized it was dark at 6AM.  No wonder I fell back asleep.  Thankfully, I didn’t have anywhere I had to be that day – or the next, as I repeated the process.

I actually said to Jim, “It’s so hard to get up when it’s dark.”  He Mm-hmm’d me and went out for his morning run.   Maybe dark mornings aren’t a struggle for everyone, but they are for many. 

How can you overcome those dark morning blahs?

·         Set a loud alarm

·         Have your light on a timer

·         Ask a friend or family member to check on you

 ~ ~ ~              

I’m going to put a new twist to the title and talk a little about moods.  The same statement applies, doesn’t it?   It’s hard to get up in the dark.

When your mood is low or dark, you know it.  You recognize it.  You feel it.

Sometimes, you are in a funk and you don’t even know why.

Sometimes you know why.  You may even want to hang out in your darkness to embrace it for a bit before climbing up above the darkness.  It can be part of the healing process, but you don’t want to be in the darkness for long.  It isn’t healthy.

How can you get out of a dark mood?

·         Talk to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, or health professional

·         Write out your thoughts

·         Consider sitting with a “happy lamp”

·         Listen to positive, uplifting, encouraging, happy music (I suggest Contemporary Christian music)

Whether you are trying to get out of bed in the morning or lift your mood it’s hard to get up in the dark, but there are strategies to help.  You can do it!

*Pam Horton is a certified Stress Management Coach.

What do grown ups know?

There have been emails, columns, comic strips, and comedy routines about how kids perceive their parents.

Let’s take a look at a “typical” relationship, over time.

I think from birth until a child enters school, they think their parents are absolutely, unquestionably the wisest people on the planet.  I mean, really, we’ve taught them everything they know.  Treasure this time – it is about to change.

During the elementary school years, our child discovers that there are other people that know, at least as much as we do – if not more.  That little glimmer of doubt enters their minds, as they discover we are fallible.

The middle school years bring even more intelligent people into their sphere, their peers.  With these peers comes the peer parents, who let their children jump off a bridge!  Hm, not only are we fallible, but we aren’t cool anymore either, sigh.

Ah, the high school years, chuckle.  This is when we become fallible, uncool, idiots.  Our children know far better than we do what can happen at the party down the street, the house with the parents out of town for the weekend.  Nothing bad ever happens in that situation.

As young adults, our children are learning what it means to be an adult.  We have never had to job hunt or make a car payment, or decide whether to marry or not, so what words of wisdom could we possible impart?

Parents – take heart!  When our children become parents, we suddenly have value again.  I’m not talking about as babysitters, either.  Our kids begin to realize that we might be able to provide some words of advice that may assist them in childrearing.  Of course, it helps when we laugh and comment, “Hm, wonder where she gets THAT from?!”  Or maybe, “What goes around comes around, huh?” as we snicker.

I guess going from genius to idiot to wise is the pattern of life most of us will go through.  The genius phase is wonderful.  The idiot phase just plain stinks, but when we reach the wise stage, we truly are wiser.  It shows in our demeanor, our tolerance level and our patience. 

As a grandparent – I love this stage.  However, my grandkids are young.  I wonder if the phase will start all over once they get to middle school.  I hope the idiot stage is reserved for parents and grandparents are always wise.