What are you silently telling everyone?

Your non-verbal body language speaks loud and clear.  From the driver who aggressively flipped the bird at the car in front of me, to the very subtle tweak of an eyebrow by the person eavesdropping on a conversation… What are you silently telling everyone?

 I might even suggest that non-verbal communication is more effective than verbal communication. 

 Our non-verbal, autistic, 9-year old grandson has recently learned very directive pointing.  He can’t say what he wants but he points and then looks at you intently.  Even if you were not looking at him, the intensity of his eyes on you would get you to feel as though someone were looking at you, or trying to get your attention, and you would look around to see who was looking at you.  Then you could see wat he was pointing at.  Silent, but effective.

 The guy flipping the bird and the pointing finger of our grandson are both very obvious body language clues. The subtle eyebrow tweak, may have been done without the “tweaker’s” knowledge.

 I often tell people I would never be good at playing poker.  My thoughts are all over my face.  We recently had a contractor over to give us ideas on a different master bathroom setup.  At one suggestion, the guy said, “judging by the look on your wife’s face, I’m guessing that’s a no.” HA HA!  I had not meant to convey that opinion, but I thought it, and my face, obviously, showed it.

 Let’s think about some obvious non-verbal communications…

·         Smiling

·         Frowning

·         Scowling

·         Making the gagging action

·         Crossed arms

·         Open arms

·         Stomping

·         Thumbs up

·         High five

·         Shaking your head yes or no

·         Making eye contact, or not

·         Waving (a gentle “hi” or a frantic “HELP”)

·         Sign Language

There are many body motions and/or facial expressions that can silently tell everyone what you’re thinking.

 We have to be careful how our actions are seen.  I once made a motion with my hand crossing in front of my throat – the one that I believe typically means “cut” (meaning “stop”) and one little boy frantically asked if I was going to cut his throat.  AH!  No, that was not what I meant.  Guess he’d been watching scary movies.

 Like many of you, I need to be more aware of what my body language is telling people.  And, like many of you, I am a work in progress.  Let’s all work on being more aware of what we are silently telling everyone.

 *Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian LifeCoach, in the Raleigh area.*

Connor telling Gramps he wants him to jump with him on the trampoline.

Have a Safe Halloween

I won't put out another blog before the 31st and I thought this might be good information...
Tuesday is Halloween.  Always a fun night, unless you’re Charlie Brown… “I got a rock.” 
Here are some interesting Halloween facts for you:

·         The word Halloween is a shortening of All Hallows’ Evening also known as Hallowe’en or All Hallows’ Eve.

·         Halloween has its origins in the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain (pronounced “sah-win”).

·         The ancient Gaels believed that on October 31, the boundaries between the worlds of the living and the dead overlapped and the deceased would come back to life and cause havoc.

·         Masks and costumes were worn in an attempt to mimic the evil spirits or appease them.

·         Trick-or-treating resembles the late medieval practice of “souling,” when poor folk would go door to door on Hallowmas (November 1), receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day (November 2).

Of course, the times have changed since I was a child.  We used to make popcorn balls to hand out. People used to give fresh fruit.  That was until some evil person decided to put a razor blade in an apple and poison in homemade products.


Nowadays, people only give pre-packaged items and children have everything inspected before they can eat it.  Of course, a wise child will have an adult with them for on-the-spot inspections for immediate consumption, right?!


I suppose the way the world is going these days, it is best to err on the side of caution.  Halloween is the perfect opportunity for evil hearted people to do unsavory things.  Below is a safety tips chart put out by the Red Cross…

Remember, have fun with your friends, but… Stay Safe!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Are your “seeds” producing the desired “fruit"

I have to say, I am quite pleased that I am still able to pick fresh fruit and vegetables out of our garden.  With that in mind, I got to thinking about the question, “Are your “seeds” producing the desired “fruit?”

You’ve probably heard the term, “You reap what you sow.” Let’s face it, if you plant tomato seeds you aren’t going to pick apples from those plants. BUT the type of tomatoes you grow absolutely depends on the seed, and the quality of the tomatoes depend on how you care for the seed as it grows into a plant.

Now let look at the “seed” as a project, dream, or goal you are working on.

First you had to decide what type of “seed” you wanted to grow.  Then you planted the seed to start it growing.  Some people are natural gardeners and can plant the seed, walk away and it just grows on its own.  Most of us have to work with it to get the desired results.

You’ll need to spend time working on your garden (project, dream, or goal).  It will need …

•             water and sunshine (daily tending)

•             weeding (getting rid of the unnecessary time wasters)

•             fertilizing (an extra effort every now and then)

•             pruning (cutting out the things that aren’t working, so the ones that are can grow better)

•             repotting (as you project, dream, or goal grow, it can grow bigger or be reproduced)

•             harvesting (experience the success of your project, dream, or goal)

•             enjoyment (bask in the “fruit” of your labors and share it with others)

Sometimes the plant just doesn’t produce as well as you had hoped.  That’s okay, learn from what didn’t work and start again with some new methods that could work.

Happy harvesting!

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach in the Raleigh area.*

Get Over Yourself

 What did I just say?  You heard me, but I could phrase it maybe a little nicer. We need to get over ourselves.  I could even make it very personal, I need to get over myself.  No matter how I phrase it, the fact remains.

 I was having a conversation with a friend when they made the comment… Do we let this ruin our family relationships, or do we just get over ourselves and love unconditionally?  They weren’t asking me.  It was a question the couple had asked themselves about some family drama.

 I was floored by the comment.  It was so eye-opening.  Can it be as simple as, “Get Over Yourself?”  Perhaps so!  Although, as I’ve heard, and said, before… simple doesn’t mean easy.

 Did you notice I mentioned “family drama?”  If you have never experienced family drama, consider yourself blessed.  Most of you know what I am talking about.  It could be something minor like, so & so said such & such about whatever. It could be as major as a divorce, or a death, in the family.

 No matter the cause, family drama has a way of tearing families apart.  People can say horrible things to each other in the heat of the moment, especially if they are trying to prove their superiority over the other person.

 If some of us are completely honest, we aren’t particularly close to (maybe not even fond of) some of our family members.  That doesn’t mean you let the family fall apart.  You are family.  That means something.

 A wise friend once told me, “It’s not worth ruining the relationship over.”  I have shared that tidbit of wisdom with many people in the last decade or so.

 Let’s take a quick look at why we may be experiencing family drama.  I believe it happens when one or more people…

·         Must prove their idea is the best

·         Believe they are correct in their thoughts or actions

·         Think they have the best way to do something

·         Feel self-righteous about lifestyle choices

·         Insist they know what the ill or deceased person wanted

·         Any number of other scenarios…

Do you see a pattern? 

 What might happen if, instead of the negative drama and people insisting they know best, you (me,we,they,everybody) simply “Get Over Yourself?”  If we all realized that preserving the relationship is more important than being right, more families would enjoy great relationships. 

 For those families who seem to thrive on drama, it could take some time to get everybody on the same page. 

Start by:

Remembering you are family

Forgiving past hurts

Conversing calmly

Agree to disagree

Repeat the above steps as many times as needed

 And then… Get Over Yourself!           

*Pam Horton is a certified Stress Management coach in the Raleigh area.*

Wondering leads to learning

I recently posted a PINTEREST picture/quote by Gandhi that says, "Persistent questioning and healthy inquisitiveness are the first requisite for acquiring learning of any kind."

 What types of persistent questions are we asking to gain understanding?

Typically…

·         What

·         Why

·         Who

·         When

·         Where

·         How

Your basic questions for information and problem solving, the “5 W’s” and how.

 I think all of those inquisitive questions could begin with “I wonder…”  Especially what, why, and how.  Who, when and where are probably part of a hypothesis (the inquisitive question) but the first three are the main drivers.

 Just think.  Where would the medical community be without people asking, “How can we cure (name a disease)?”  What about the environmental folks asking, “Why is this happening?”  How cool is it when the artistic community asks, “What happens when we put these elements together?”

 It’s the wonderers, the dreamers, the people that are persistently questioning, that are advancing things in this world. 

 If you know someone who fits this category, encourage them.  Many times, these people tend to be a little quirky.  They may not fit into the box that society tries to close them into.  As long as they are exhibiting healthy inquisitiveness, let them work outside of the box.  That’s where new ideas are found.

 Let’s not crush the spirit of the wonderer, they could be the next Benjamin Franklin! He invented of the stove, bifocals, and the lightning rod, among other things.  To bring it to more modern times, the wonderer may be the next Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah Winfrey or Bono.

 Whether the persistent questioner is interested in math, science, technology, art, music, food, or humanitarian missions, we need those people to wonder and to enjoy the freedom to explore their healthy inquisitiveness.

 Yes, wondering leads to learning.  Hopefully, what the wonderer has learned, they will share with others.  For it is only by this method that we, the world, can truly benefit by changing for the positive and encouraging others to do the same.

Whose windshield are you washing?

 I was driving, to play Pickle Ball, the other day.  I was following a little red car that was following a black truck.  All of a sudden this spray shot up from the truck, over the roof and onto the red car.  It took me a second to realize the truck had put on its windshield washer, when it happened again.

 Now the red car had a couple of different options in how to react to the situation.  They could have laid on the horn, or flipped the truck the bird, but they didn’t.  They simply turned on their windshield wipers and got their windshield washed by the washer fluid from the truck.  It was a perfect “two for one.”  There was so much spray coming over the top of the truck, the car never even had to use its washer fluid.  I had to chuckle. 

 How would you have reacted?

 There are so many scenarios where we can choose how to react to an action.  For example:

·         Someone pulls into a parking spot you were driving to

·         Someone says something you disagreed with

·         Poor customer service

·         A ref/umpire makes a bad call

·         You disagree with a politician

So many possibilities, I couldn’t begin to mention them all.  Think of something that tends to get a reaction out of you.

 There are three ways to react to something:

1. Hard core, loud and obnoxious, trying to force your opinion on others

2. Roll with it, discuss things calmly and be respectful of the other people involved

3. Ignore it, don’t get involved

 Of course, if the action happens to involve you directly, ignoring it is probably not an option.  That leaves you the other two choices.  Will you be loud and obnoxious or calm and respectful?  It is a choice. 

 Knowing that option one will create a (probably) negative reaction from the other person(s), I tend to default to option two.  Discussing things calmly and respectfully gives the other person the chance to respond to you in the same fashion. 

Heated situations can often be diffused by calm and respectful conversation.  If you refuse to react loud and obnoxious, it makes it difficult for the other people involved to continue to be loud and obnoxious.

 In short, calmer heads can prevail over any situation.  So when someone unexpectedly sprays washer fluid on your windshield, simply turn on your wipers and enjoy the clearer view.

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*

Is peace possible?

Yesterday was the International Day of Peace.  It got me thinking… is peace possible?

 It seems “we” talk about world peace often, even claim to strive for it, but  how can “we” attain world peace (international peace) when we don’t even have national peace, and in many places, not even local peace, or in some cases peace within families?

 These days it seems like we hear about violence somewhere, daily.

·         Domestic violence

·         Racial violence

·         Political violence

·         Sexual or physical violence

·         Terrorist attacks

·         Wars

And the list could go on.  It’s a crazy world.

 So, back to the original question.  Is peace possible?

 I believe peace has to come from the heart.  It has to start with forgiveness and end with love.  This brings us to a different question… Can all people forgive and love each other?  Not in a physical way, but from the heart, in a humanitarian way. 

 I am blessed to be surrounded by people who try very hard to forgive and love everyone they come in contact with.  When you are surrounded by that behavior, it makes it easier to replicate the behavior.  I am not naive enough to believe my circle of influence is perfect and can always achieve what they attempt, but they try.  I also know that not everyone tries to have love in their hearts for their fellow “man.”  Unfortunately, there are some people who actually try to do harm to others, intentionally.  It’s sad.

 Backtrack to the second question… Can all people forgive and love each other?  Unfortunately, I believe the answer is “No.” You see, some people have evil in their hearts instead of love.  We cannot force someone to forgive and love others.  I wrote a blog, four years ago, on a similar topic.  You can read it here.

 Now, back to the original question.  Is peace possible?  Again, I have to say, “No.”  As long as there are people who seek to do harm to others, intentionally, we cannot have peace.  We cannot control the actions of others.  As long as there is prejudice, hatred, and violence, there cannot be peace.  We can, however, control our own actions.

 We can take personal action to bring peace to our little corner of the world.  We can be the peacemaker in our families, in our neighborhoods, and our towns.  We can set a peaceful example for others and perhaps help them to see that a peaceful existence is preferable to one filled with violence.  Even though international/world peace is likely unattainable, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for it.  We should.

 Oh, today is the first day of autumn.  For all those who enjoy cooler weather and pumpkin everything…

Happy Fall, ya’ll!

*PamHorton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*