Get Over Yourself

 What did I just say?  You heard me, but I could phrase it maybe a little nicer. We need to get over ourselves.  I could even make it very personal, I need to get over myself.  No matter how I phrase it, the fact remains.

 I was having a conversation with a friend when they made the comment… Do we let this ruin our family relationships, or do we just get over ourselves and love unconditionally?  They weren’t asking me.  It was a question the couple had asked themselves about some family drama.

 I was floored by the comment.  It was so eye-opening.  Can it be as simple as, “Get Over Yourself?”  Perhaps so!  Although, as I’ve heard, and said, before… simple doesn’t mean easy.

 Did you notice I mentioned “family drama?”  If you have never experienced family drama, consider yourself blessed.  Most of you know what I am talking about.  It could be something minor like, so & so said such & such about whatever. It could be as major as a divorce, or a death, in the family.

 No matter the cause, family drama has a way of tearing families apart.  People can say horrible things to each other in the heat of the moment, especially if they are trying to prove their superiority over the other person.

 If some of us are completely honest, we aren’t particularly close to (maybe not even fond of) some of our family members.  That doesn’t mean you let the family fall apart.  You are family.  That means something.

 A wise friend once told me, “It’s not worth ruining the relationship over.”  I have shared that tidbit of wisdom with many people in the last decade or so.

 Let’s take a quick look at why we may be experiencing family drama.  I believe it happens when one or more people…

·         Must prove their idea is the best

·         Believe they are correct in their thoughts or actions

·         Think they have the best way to do something

·         Feel self-righteous about lifestyle choices

·         Insist they know what the ill or deceased person wanted

·         Any number of other scenarios…

Do you see a pattern? 

 What might happen if, instead of the negative drama and people insisting they know best, you (me,we,they,everybody) simply “Get Over Yourself?”  If we all realized that preserving the relationship is more important than being right, more families would enjoy great relationships. 

 For those families who seem to thrive on drama, it could take some time to get everybody on the same page. 

Start by:

Remembering you are family

Forgiving past hurts

Conversing calmly

Agree to disagree

Repeat the above steps as many times as needed

 And then… Get Over Yourself!           

*Pam Horton is a certified Stress Management coach in the Raleigh area.*

Wondering leads to learning

I recently posted a PINTEREST picture/quote by Gandhi that says, "Persistent questioning and healthy inquisitiveness are the first requisite for acquiring learning of any kind."

 What types of persistent questions are we asking to gain understanding?

Typically…

·         What

·         Why

·         Who

·         When

·         Where

·         How

Your basic questions for information and problem solving, the “5 W’s” and how.

 I think all of those inquisitive questions could begin with “I wonder…”  Especially what, why, and how.  Who, when and where are probably part of a hypothesis (the inquisitive question) but the first three are the main drivers.

 Just think.  Where would the medical community be without people asking, “How can we cure (name a disease)?”  What about the environmental folks asking, “Why is this happening?”  How cool is it when the artistic community asks, “What happens when we put these elements together?”

 It’s the wonderers, the dreamers, the people that are persistently questioning, that are advancing things in this world. 

 If you know someone who fits this category, encourage them.  Many times, these people tend to be a little quirky.  They may not fit into the box that society tries to close them into.  As long as they are exhibiting healthy inquisitiveness, let them work outside of the box.  That’s where new ideas are found.

 Let’s not crush the spirit of the wonderer, they could be the next Benjamin Franklin! He invented of the stove, bifocals, and the lightning rod, among other things.  To bring it to more modern times, the wonderer may be the next Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah Winfrey or Bono.

 Whether the persistent questioner is interested in math, science, technology, art, music, food, or humanitarian missions, we need those people to wonder and to enjoy the freedom to explore their healthy inquisitiveness.

 Yes, wondering leads to learning.  Hopefully, what the wonderer has learned, they will share with others.  For it is only by this method that we, the world, can truly benefit by changing for the positive and encouraging others to do the same.

Whose windshield are you washing?

 I was driving, to play Pickle Ball, the other day.  I was following a little red car that was following a black truck.  All of a sudden this spray shot up from the truck, over the roof and onto the red car.  It took me a second to realize the truck had put on its windshield washer, when it happened again.

 Now the red car had a couple of different options in how to react to the situation.  They could have laid on the horn, or flipped the truck the bird, but they didn’t.  They simply turned on their windshield wipers and got their windshield washed by the washer fluid from the truck.  It was a perfect “two for one.”  There was so much spray coming over the top of the truck, the car never even had to use its washer fluid.  I had to chuckle. 

 How would you have reacted?

 There are so many scenarios where we can choose how to react to an action.  For example:

·         Someone pulls into a parking spot you were driving to

·         Someone says something you disagreed with

·         Poor customer service

·         A ref/umpire makes a bad call

·         You disagree with a politician

So many possibilities, I couldn’t begin to mention them all.  Think of something that tends to get a reaction out of you.

 There are three ways to react to something:

1. Hard core, loud and obnoxious, trying to force your opinion on others

2. Roll with it, discuss things calmly and be respectful of the other people involved

3. Ignore it, don’t get involved

 Of course, if the action happens to involve you directly, ignoring it is probably not an option.  That leaves you the other two choices.  Will you be loud and obnoxious or calm and respectful?  It is a choice. 

 Knowing that option one will create a (probably) negative reaction from the other person(s), I tend to default to option two.  Discussing things calmly and respectfully gives the other person the chance to respond to you in the same fashion. 

Heated situations can often be diffused by calm and respectful conversation.  If you refuse to react loud and obnoxious, it makes it difficult for the other people involved to continue to be loud and obnoxious.

 In short, calmer heads can prevail over any situation.  So when someone unexpectedly sprays washer fluid on your windshield, simply turn on your wipers and enjoy the clearer view.

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*

Is peace possible?

Yesterday was the International Day of Peace.  It got me thinking… is peace possible?

 It seems “we” talk about world peace often, even claim to strive for it, but  how can “we” attain world peace (international peace) when we don’t even have national peace, and in many places, not even local peace, or in some cases peace within families?

 These days it seems like we hear about violence somewhere, daily.

·         Domestic violence

·         Racial violence

·         Political violence

·         Sexual or physical violence

·         Terrorist attacks

·         Wars

And the list could go on.  It’s a crazy world.

 So, back to the original question.  Is peace possible?

 I believe peace has to come from the heart.  It has to start with forgiveness and end with love.  This brings us to a different question… Can all people forgive and love each other?  Not in a physical way, but from the heart, in a humanitarian way. 

 I am blessed to be surrounded by people who try very hard to forgive and love everyone they come in contact with.  When you are surrounded by that behavior, it makes it easier to replicate the behavior.  I am not naive enough to believe my circle of influence is perfect and can always achieve what they attempt, but they try.  I also know that not everyone tries to have love in their hearts for their fellow “man.”  Unfortunately, there are some people who actually try to do harm to others, intentionally.  It’s sad.

 Backtrack to the second question… Can all people forgive and love each other?  Unfortunately, I believe the answer is “No.” You see, some people have evil in their hearts instead of love.  We cannot force someone to forgive and love others.  I wrote a blog, four years ago, on a similar topic.  You can read it here.

 Now, back to the original question.  Is peace possible?  Again, I have to say, “No.”  As long as there are people who seek to do harm to others, intentionally, we cannot have peace.  We cannot control the actions of others.  As long as there is prejudice, hatred, and violence, there cannot be peace.  We can, however, control our own actions.

 We can take personal action to bring peace to our little corner of the world.  We can be the peacemaker in our families, in our neighborhoods, and our towns.  We can set a peaceful example for others and perhaps help them to see that a peaceful existence is preferable to one filled with violence.  Even though international/world peace is likely unattainable, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for it.  We should.

 Oh, today is the first day of autumn.  For all those who enjoy cooler weather and pumpkin everything…

Happy Fall, ya’ll!

*PamHorton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*

Nomadic Lifestyle

 Being a military “brat” (child of someone in the service), I moved a lot.  Marrying a corporate executive added to the multiple moves.  I recently figured out that, in my brief 57 years, that I have moved 31 times, been in 39 states and 8 countries.  I tend to call wherever I’m sleeping “home.” 

 However, no matter how much I traveled, I always felt I had a “home base.”  Sometimes, when we were in transition, that “home base” was my grandparent’s house in Vermont.  Once my dad retired and my parents settled in one location, it became their house in Vermont.  Now that Jim is no longer working in the corporate environment, we don’t have any plans to move anymore. That means MY house is now “home base.”

 Recently, I met someone who truly had no home.  This was not the typical homeless person.  This was a gentleman who carried everything he had in his suitcase and traveled wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and made changes to his plan as necessary (like with Harvey and Irma). 

 He seemed to want to talk, but certainly nothing in depth.  This gentleman was a tad difficult to have a discussion with.    Yes/no, very short answers, but he did want to engage in conversation.  It was rather interesting.  He claimed to love his nomadic lifestyle.

 I have known people who lived in an RV and moved all of their earthly possessions with them wherever they went.  But still, that was “home.”  Personally, I can’t imagine not having a “home base.”   Where would I put all my photo scrapbooks?!  Although, I suppose if you don’t have any family and keep all your travel memories in your head, you wouldn’t have much need for lots of pictures.

 This guy talked about hotels and cruises, so he wasn’t “roughing it.”  He was a minimalist with a great retirement plan.  He could go where he wanted, when he wanted and he didn’t have to cook or clean.  That doesn’t sound so bad.  When I asked about doctor’s visits he said because he travelled so much he didn’t have a “primary care physician.”  If he needed to visit a doctor, he just called his insurance company, told them where he was and they told him who to see.

 Now that I think about it, it does sound like a pretty care-free lifestyle.  If I had no ties to anywhere, or anyone, and a great retirement package, I might consider it.  How about you?

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*

Honesty in Crisis

 My neighborhood recently experienced a damaging hail storm.  Nothing like the devastation of Harvey (or possibly the effects of Irma), and thankfully no personal injuries; but almost every house had damage and many cars, if left outside, were also damaged. We definitely had things to be thankful for.  However, the cost of repairs will be very expensive.

 It surprised me how quickly roofing companies and contactors hit the neighborhood.  Our neighborhood Facebook page has be very active with discussions about various insurance companies, how quickly they responded (or didn’t) when adjusters would be out, and the approach the various contractors have been using.  To many of us, this whole process is overwhelming.

 Thankfully, no one has come knocking on our door.  Neighbors are sharing about contractors who insist on being present when the claims agent is on site, supposedly to make sure the agent gives the homeowner all that’s due them.  Other neighbors are saying that’s a way that the contractor knows how much you will be getting and will charge you exactly that amount.  Others have said contractors have told them they’ll do it for whatever the insurance pays.  People are being warned by local officials to be wary of scams.  It’s just crazy.

 Personally, we called the insurance and, being a weekend AND a holiday, we didn’t hear back until 4 days after the storm.  Thankfully, we had our cars in the garage and none of the damage put an actual hole in anything. So, no rain is coming in as the weather continues to be stormy.  The claims adjuster walked the house, told me what he saw (even saw some damage we hadn’t seen), and asked me if I was aware of anything he hadn’t mentioned.  I was, we looked at it, and he added it to his report.  Now we wait to hear from the insurance company the amount they will provide us for all the repairs he reported.  Then we will speak to a friend of ours, who happens to be a builder, and get his recommendations for roofing, window, and siding replacements.  I don’ think I would use some stranger that walked up to the door and said, “Hey, let me fix your (fill in the blank).”

 Of course, there are always extreme circumstances, like the neighbors who had a hole in their roof, or the ones with many holes in many windows.  Still though, I would advise caution and do as much research as you can.  Sometimes, though… ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

 It’s a shame that people prey on others during times of crisis.  As it does in many things… it boils down to money.  I love it when I find great, honest, customer service.  I’m even willing to pay more to honor their integrity.  Shady characters?  I’ll pass. 

 Remember, if you can be patient, let the sharks swim by and wait for the person who has honesty in crisis.  If you have to rush, do your research and be wise.

*Pam Horton is a Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, in the Raleigh area.*

I’m worn out

I’m too young to be this worn out! 

 Now I know why we have our children when we are younger.  The energy children have is exhausting. 

 I substitute in elementary special education classes, and love it, but I get to rest and get my other work done when I get home. 

 This weekend our youngest son came to visit with our seven and eight year old grandchildren. Man they are full on from the time they wake up until the time they drop off to sleep!  Fifteen hours of energetic activity.   When they left, they forgot a kid.  No, not really, but they did leave the seven year old behind to have some time with us.  Man did she keep me busy!

 In no particular order we…

Made playdough  (this is a fun and easy recipe… http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Make-Playdough-Play-doh/http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Make-Playdough-Play-doh/)

Baked a cake, and decorated it

Made pizza

Made muffins

Worked on a puzzle

Played chess

Played cards

Colored

Picked food from the garden

Watered the garden

Went shopping

Went to the Science Museum

Went swimming 3 times each day

Watched a movie each night (the only down time we had)

Whew!  I am worn out.

 We had boys, so I absolutely love having extra days where one or the other granddaughter visits.  I do find that the older I get the more tired I am after playing all day.  BUT, I am still doing it.  The girls love their visits when they get to be the center of attention.  I wouldn’t miss seeing the smiles on their faces for all the sleep in the world.

 I have mentioned before that many children crave time with an adult they love.  And that time doesn’t have to be costly.  Look at my list.  Other than going shopping, and the cost of the food items we used to make things, that’s not an expensive to do list.  You can find inexpensive, or free, things to do in any location.

 Whether you are a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle make it a priority to spend time with a child, doing the things they want to do.  You make be worn out at the end of the day, but it’s a happy, tired, and well worth it feeling.

 *Pam Horton is a Board Certified Parenting Coach in the Raleigh area.*